My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
