She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
