I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
