There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
