How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
