She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
