Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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