Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Randomize
