Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
