i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
