I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
