Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
