Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
