Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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