hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
