I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
