Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Say something about gay babies.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
