i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Sober January is a disaster.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
