No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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