I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
nutella sex= disaster
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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