true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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