girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
