Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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