it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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