Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize