i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
