i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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