Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
