Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
