I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
