so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
