My liver just broke up with me...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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