I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Floor bacon is actually really good
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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