The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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