im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize