Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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