yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize