last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
