9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
