I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
