I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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