The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
