I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize