Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
