Tell her she can't have a vagina
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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