I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
