her vagina looked like bernie madoff
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
