I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
