I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
