im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
