The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize