Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
