i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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