After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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