living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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