dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
