Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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