No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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