And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Randomize
