You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
