so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
