Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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