Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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