I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize