at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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